How to Write a Novel

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How to Write a Novel
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By Kellan Head and Ryan Taylor
This is a comprehensive guid that instructs you on how to compose and instant classic piece of liturature.

            All classic novels are deemed “ingenious and deep,” but what they really are, are stories that were over-analyzed by people.  

First you have to pick the name of the Main Character.  It must seem like it means something, but does not.  So, we’ll just pick a random name, like Velmer.  The “V” represents the “individuality and uniqueness of the person because it is not a common letter.  It rhymes with “Elmer’s,” and they make glue, so the character must be “emotionally attaching.”  He also may be a drug addict because people like to sniff glue.

Then, you have to pick a random title that has nothing to do with the story and little to do with the nonsense, one-line quote, which appears once in the book.  A title such as “The Wide Sombrero” from the quote “I like the wide sombrero” would be widely accepted, because it forces us to think more on how the author could have hid deeper meaning in it had he really given a crap.

So far we have an emotionally insecure drug addict who likes the wide sombrero which of course must mean something deep.  Next we have to add swear words like “sonuvabitch” and “goddam”  to make it more life like, because everyone only says those two swear words.  Even if it took place in a nursing home, there must be swear words to give it a “realistic mood.”

We then need to add the characters sidekick.  They must be a loveable, less-intelligent than the protagonist person who has some sort of unavoidable flaw that makes everyone feel sorry for him/her.  They need to have a plain name like “Steve.”

The characters have to go be set in a harsh environment, either with their family, friends, or national crisis.  There is no such thing as a happy story, people, or situations, even in real life, because we want to make this story as real as possible, right?

Then we need to add some racial or religious tension between characters in the novel.  This will also bring controversy about the author who wrote these controversies and stir popularity for the book. 

The conflict that arises must be environmentally supportive and liberalistically based, because that’s what literature people like. 

So, the conflict that is in our insta-classic story is that there are two fighting parents that live in India that used to live in Seattle, but had to move due to a demand for doctors for the local natives.  The home life is bad for their two kids, Velmer and his sister, Kaisha (an ethnic name must be included to make to non-ethnic people feel included, even though there are no ethnic people in the story).  Velmer is a drug addict who turns to his friend Steve, an Indian boy, whom is a on the school football team an stutters.  Steve is Velmer’s link to the outside world, and he uses him as a place for his emotions.  Steve ‘sticks’ his emotions onto Velmer about his stutter, but soon becomes a drug addict like Velmer.

See? We can write a classic novel too!!  Now just use the thesaurus to change every word and you can make your own best-seller!!!

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