The Iliad: Volume One
By: Billy Gutheil
If youre reading this right now, then youre probably wondering what happened to the Japanese catholic extremists. In the
year 6237.9, a race of zombie super jews arose from the silhouette of the beautiful blood splattered princess. The world split
in two, the seas released such vile and grotesque creatures who destroyed the last of the vegetarians. Cheesyburger, the slayer
of all evil, rose from his grave to save the earth from the apocalyptic events that were taking place. Upon cheesyburgers
arrival, a massive beast from the forest of Bigtree opened his mouth, swallowing cheesyburger whole. The world was doomed
to an eternity without tasty alcoholic beverages, or our beloved teen asian sluts. Millions fled to churches to steal from
the collection plate and drink the last of the wine. Meanwhile, in his country of vegetaria, Dr. Wonkelbongo, the once great
cleric, was hard at work, safely confined in the depths of his heavily guarded, extremely well built trailer. He was creating
a tool of such great power it could only be called one thing, Screwdriver! The screwdriver was a giant piece of machinery
that shot a massive laser beam and 5000 rockets. When the doctor emerged from his desolate palace to test the machine on one
of the monsters, he was immediately struck dead by an even more powerful machine created by the monsters, known as, the Phillips
head Screwdriver! Which shot an even more massive laser beam and 500,000 rockets. There seemed to be no hope left for mankind.
The monsters took the entire city of Chickenstonville, the largest city on earth. The army of the undead fell at the hands
of the foul, dirty jews, and over 2 people died in Baghdad alone. The school children watched in horror as the fluorescent
green ooze gushed from the walls. Everything they had tried, failed. From the giant clocks, to the man eating oreos, it was
all hopeless against the lobsters. Just as Armageddon seemed inevitable, we decided to fight back. Millions of ugly, lonely
men with nothing to lose, stormed the eastern inland shores of Africa. Cookie. This battle was to be the most important battle
ever battled. AS they rose above the cliff, they were greeted by thousands of leprechauns waiting there with the war machine.
The tanks rolled over the grassy beaches, crushing the enemy. Suddenly, the skies opened and terror reigned down from above.
Several different species of giant, three legged British people ascended from the sky. The armies receded back into the cavern
walls, hoping to god the hadnt been extracted from their extremities. There was nothing to save them now from the end of the
world. As the 1200 year old man opened the novel, Turkeysandwich, the great warrior, leaped out of the kingdom deep inside
the book. Turkeysandwich was prepared to destroy the earth so the monsters could no longer hurt the humans and other humanoids
on this planet. Turkey sandwich instructed all humans to put a nuclear bomb in their soup, all of the bombs were to be set
off simultaneously. Then Frank said "I have no soup!". Unfortunately nobody realized that millions of nuclear bombs
being set off at once would not only kill the monsters, but all of them too. So the bombs went off, and the earth exploded.
All but 2 died, ironically, their names were Adam and Eve. They were left to restart mankind on their cold, tiny island in
the middle of space. Then Frank said, "Lock up the women and children, we'll all go paint mustaches with felt tip markers",
and those are words to live by.